Fat Pumpkin Bread

My dear, lovely, readers, it is officially Fall, my favorite season. With the coming of the most beautiful time of the year, I am also celebrating one year of Definitely Not A Food Blog! So thank you so much to all of my friends, family and everyone who has supported and encouraged this project. It really means the world to me.

Since this is the time of year when pumpkin-based baked goods are everywhere, I thought I would add my own creation into the mix. Of course, with all of the delicious goodies everywhere, we inevitably start seeing lots of “skinny” alternatives. I have gone on this rant before when I published Fat Banana Bread, but my feelings have changed very little. I do not fault anyone for wanting to clean up their diet and eat healthier, but this conflation of pastry preferences and morality is total nonsense. So I present to you here, my lovely readers, a healthy, vegan, delicious pumpkin bread that is unapologetically Fat.

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Ingredients:

1 cup pumpkin purée

2 Tbs chia seeds + 6 Tbs water

1/2 cup coconut oil (melted)

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup maple syrup

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp baking soda

2 tsp ground cinnamon

1 tsp nutmeg

1/2 tsp all spice

1/2 tsp ground cloves

Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees. Mix chia seeds and water in a small bowl. Set aside for about 15 minutes minutes. Mix coconut oil, maple syrup, vanilla extract and chia seeds until well combined. Add dry ingredients. Pour into a well greased or parchment paper-lined loaf pan. Bake for 40 minutes. Eat with your face and enjoy!

Vegan Chocolate Beet Muffins

Once upon a time, I went to Marché Jean-Talon and got a little too excited. I got a bag of beets (which contained far too many beets) for only $1.50 and was then faced with the problem of too many beets. After briefly considering a recreation of this video, I decided to just make some chocolate muffins.

I stumbled upon this recipe from Minimalist Baker and decided to go with as this blog has never steered me wrong. Seriously guys, if you ever need a really good healthy recipe, Minimalist Baker takes the cake (pun very much intended).  Without further ado, here is my recreation of this recipe which resulted in some seriously tasty muffins.

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Ingredients:

2 Tbs chia seeds + 8 Tbs water (explanation below)

2 beets, roasted

1/4 cup maple syrup

1/3 cup brown sugar

1 1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1/4 cup melted coconut oil

1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk

1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1 1/3 cup all purpose flour

1/3 cup vegan chocolate chips

First, wrap beets tightly in aluminum foil and roast in the oven at 375F for one hour. Allow them to cool thoroughly.

Place chia seeds and water in a small bowl and leave it for about 10-15 minutes. It will form a gel-like paste that will serve as an egg substitute as these muffins are vegan (pro-tip: this works great for lots of other baked good too).

Purée beets in a food processor or blender (I used a magic bullet). Combine the purée in a large bowl with the chia seed goo, maple syrup, brown sugar, baking soda and salt. Add almond milk followed by flour and cocoa powder. Finally, fold in chocolate chips. Spoon mixture into muffin tin lined with paper liners. Bake at 375F for 7-20 minutes. Enjoy!

The Cure For Sadness

Sometimes, life is a little stressful or even just downright unpleasant. You could have a perfectly sensible reason for feeling grumpy like a break-up, an insect infestation, or a temperamental internet connection. The reason could be also be silly (but understandable) like disagreeable weather or having bills. Whatever the reason, sometimes traditional coping mechanisms of throwing spoons or meditating just won’t quite cut it. If you just need to cut the crap and get the cure for sadness, you’ve come to the right place.

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(In case you somehow didn’t know, the cure for sadness is chocolate chip cookies)

Ingredients:

1 cup all-purpose flour

3/4 cup brown sugar

3/4 cup unsalted butter (softened)

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

2 tsp cornstarch

1 large egg

2 tsp vanilla extract

1/3 cup chocolate chips

In a large bowl, beat butter using either an electric mixer or a pastry cutter (I prefer the pastry cutter) until smooth and creamy. Add brown sugar, egg, and vanilla.  In a separate medium size bowl, mix all other ingredients except for chocolate chips. Gradually add the dry ingredients from the medium sized bowl into the wet ingredients in the large bowl until well combined. Fold in chocolate chips.

Eat as much of the cookie dough as desired while watching trash TV (or Parks and Rec because it’s impossible to feel sad while eating cookie dough and watching Parks and Rec).

Chill remaining cookie dough for at least one hour.

Preheat oven to 350F. Spoon cookie dough onto a baking sheet in approximately golfball sized scoops. Bake 5-8 minutes or until golden brown around the edges.  Share with your co-workers if they’re nice and you’re feeling generous. Otherwise, eat them all with your face and apologize for nothing.

Fat Banana Bread

This banana bread recipe will not make you fat. In fact, had another blogger created this recipe, there’s a good chance that he or she might have called it “skinny” or “guilt-free” banana bread. But I’m not going to do that because when I see those words in a recipe title, it usually means that the writer took a perfectly good recipe and ruined it by removing everything delicious and replacing it with crap-flavored sadness. Also, the idea that I should feel “guilty” about eating desserts just makes me want to mainline donuts out of spite. So just to be the contrarian that I am, I have called this recipe “Fat Banana Bread” to protest the ideas that:

1. Fat = Unhealthy

2. Healthy = Pretentious and Gross-tasting

This recipe does not contain eggs, dairy, wheat or processed sugar. But it is easy and stupidly delicious.

Ingredients:

1 cup rolled oats

1 cup coconut flour (or sub whole-wheat flour if avoiding wheat/gluten isn’t important to you)

3 ripe bananas

1/4 cup chia seeds

1/4 cup slivered almonds

1/4 cup vegan chocolate chips (Or just cut this chocolate bar into tiny pieces)

1/4 cup chopped dates

1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk

1 tsp baking powder

1tsp vanilla extract

1/2 tsp salt

Mash bananas with a fork in a large bowl. Add all other ingredients. Mix thoroughly. Pour into a loaf pan lined with parchment paper. Bake at 350F for 1 hour.

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Eat it and feel no guilt.

Vegan Chocolate Bars

Every now and then, I stumble across a recipe and my only thought is “HOLY CRAP I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW”. This is exactly what happened here.

There I was mindlessly scrolling around the internet when I came across this. It’s a recipe for homemade vegan chocolate bars. They looked so easy and I already had all of the ingredients on hand. The choice was obvious. I had to stop what I was doing and make these.

Of course, as I am often wont to do, I tweaked the recipe just a little bit as my experience with chocolate tells me that coffee and vanilla make the chocolate flavor that much richer and more delicious.

These were very, very easy to make and when I popped them out of the freezer to sample my handiwork, it was revelatory. I haven’t decided yet if being able to make my own chocolate bars is the best or the most dangerous thing to ever happen.

Without further ado, here is the recipe.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup coconut oil, melted

6 Tbs cocoa powder

4 Tbs maple syrup

1 tsp espresso powder

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 tsp sea salt

Melt coconut oil in a saucepan over low heat. Mix in all other ingredients.

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Pour into a candy mold (I used parchment paper and a loaf pan because I am a savage and do not own a candy mold). Freeze for 15 minutes.

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Eat with your face.

 

10 Things To Do With An Avocado

Avocados are incredibly versatile. You can do all sorts of things with them including but not limited to the following:

1. Give it to someone who knows how to make guacamole.

2. Take a selfie with it.

3. Play avocado tag with it.

4. Keep it under your pillow to throw at a burglar.

5. Put it on your toast instead of butter after watching a spooky food documentary that guilts you into temporary veganism.

6. Go bowling with it. It’s much lighter than a traditional bowling ball.

7. Draw a face on it.

8. Display it like a sculpture in the middle of a room.

9. Cut it open, smear the contents all over yourself and run around the neighborhood shouting “HULK SMASH”.

10. Make avocado pasta! (details below!)

Through browsing around Pinterest, I have seen many recipes for avocado pasta. It really is a genius idea in that it gives the texture of a cream sauce while providing a great flavor base. I’ve seen versions with all manner of crazy ingredients, but after a bit of experimenting I have decided that it’s best to keep it simple. Here is my version of avocado pasta.

1 ripe avocado

1 clove of garlic

2 Tbs of olive oil

1Tbs of heavy cream

1/4 tsp of oregano

2-3 Tbs of goat cheese (I personally like Cendrillion)

Pasta

Salt and Pepper to taste

First, bring throughly salted water to a boil and cook pasta according to package directions (or until it sticks if you throw it against the wall – Italian pro tip).

Meanwhile, heat the olive oil in a large skillet. Finely mince the garlic clove and add it to the skillet over low heat. Once the garlic is fragrant, add the insides of the avocado and mash it until it’s smooth. Slowly add heavy cream, oregano, salt and pepper. Add goat cheese last and stir until it is melted.

Once the pasta is cooked, drain it before adding it to the skillet. Combine thoroughly. Serve immediately.

Bon Appétit, mes amis!

 

 

 

4th of July Part 2: Tiny Cheesecakes

As I was rooting around Pinterest looking for another important patriotic dessert to make, I stumbled upon this recipe for miniature cherry cheesecakes from A Helicopter Mom. Upon seeing the picture, I assumed that making tiny cheesecakes had to be some sort of terribly complicated endeavor. I have made cheesecake many times in my life and although it is always delicious, it is also a lot of effort. I was very pleasantly surprised by how easy these were.

Although, of course, I had to make a few slight tweaks. First of all, as much as I love cherries, in the name of my national holiday, I had to make sure these were red, white and blue and not just red and white. So I used a combination of strawberries and blueberries instead of cherries (also, Quebec strawberries and blueberries are famously delicious).  Secondly, I could not find Graham Crackers at the grocery store.  So, instead of making graham cracker crust, I just used a French butter cookie on the bottom of each cheesecake. Vanilla Wafers would work equally well here.

Ingredients:

Cheesecakes:

1 package of butter cookies

16 oz. of cream cheese (softened)

3/4 cup of granulated sugar

2 eggs

1 Tbs of vanilla extract

1 Tbs of lemon juice

Topping:

1/2 cup chopped strawberries

1/2 cup blueberries

Juice from 1/2 of a lemon

1 Tbs of maple syrup

Place a butter cookie at the bottom of well of a muffin pan. Next, beat together the cream cheese, sugar, vanilla, eggs, and lemon juice until no lumps remain and the mixture is smooth and creamy. Spoon the mixture over each butter cookie until each well is about 3/4 full. Bake at 350 degrees (Fahrenheit) for 15-20 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Let cool completely.

Cheesecakes just out of the oven

Cheesecakes just out of the oven

In a small bowl, mix together the strawberries, blueberries, lemon juice and maple syrup for the topping. Spoon a small amount of this mixture onto each cheesecake and serve.

Ta da!

Ta da!

Bon Appétit, mes amis!